Lately, something feels really strange.
I don’t know exactly how to explain it, and maybe that’s what makes it even harder to understand.
It has been almost a month since I came back from India, and in that short amount of time, so much has changed in my life.
I got engaged to the girl of my dreams. The person I once only imagined having a future with is now actually going to be my wife. I’m living in Germany, things are going well, and our wedding is coming up in March.
On paper, everything looks perfect.
Everything I once wished for seems to be happening.
And yet, somewhere inside me, there is this strange emptiness.
A feeling I can’t put into words.
I wake up knowing that I have so many reasons to be happy, but sometimes I still feel like something is missing. I have this strange conflict going on inside me. One part of me wants to say yes to everything. Every opportunity that has come my way over the past month makes me want to grab it. I want to work harder, build something, experience more, travel, achieve things, and somehow conquer the world.
But then there is another part of me that just wants to stay in my room.
Do nothing.
Stay quiet.
Disappear from everything for a while.
And the weirdest part is that both feelings are real.
I know it doesn't make much sense.
How can someone desperately want to achieve everything and, at the same time, have absolutely no motivation to do anything?
I don't have an answer.
Maybe I’m tired.
Maybe I’m overwhelmed.
Maybe life has changed so quickly that my mind hasn't had enough time to catch up with everything that has happened.
Maybe I'm standing at the beginning of a completely new chapter of my life, and I'm scared of what comes next.
Because things are becoming real now.
It's no longer just about me.
Soon, I'll have a wife. A family. Responsibilities. A future that I want to build with someone I love.
And that thought makes me incredibly happy.
But it also scares me.
I want to become someone my future wife can be proud of. I want to give her a good life. I want us to have a home, stability, freedom, and the kind of future we've dreamed about.
And maybe that's why this emptiness bothers me so much.
Because I don't want to waste this time.
I don't want to look back one day and wonder what I could have done if I had just pushed myself a little harder.
So I've given myself until September.
I'm allowing myself this month to feel confused. To feel lost. To figure things out.
But when October comes, I want to change something.
I don't want to carry this strange feeling with me anymore.
I want to find my direction.
I want to find a good opportunity.
I want to work.
I want to build something.
Not just for myself, but for the person who is going to share the rest of her life with me.
I don't know exactly where life is going to take me. I don't know what job I'll have, where I'll be living, or what the next few years will look like.
But I know one thing.
I don't want to give up.
Maybe I don't need to have everything figured out right now.
Maybe I just need to take the next step.
And then the next one.
Until eventually, I look back and realize that the emptiness I once couldn't explain was simply a part of me trying to find its place in a completely new life.
For now, I'm still figuring it out.
But October is coming.
And this time, I want to be ready.